Last night I tried pulling together my thoughts on this year and found myself numb and uninspired. After looking back on my year in review for 2018, it was painstakingly obvious that “numb” and “uninspired” were my words for the year in 2019. It hurt me more than I expected coming to that conclusion, mostly because all year long I’ve looked back on 2018 as the hardest year of my life—I’ve been very boisterous about it too. And while it was, in fact, hard, I somehow still managed to find and remember joyful moments that filled my cup that year. I can’t say the same for this year.
I know there were good moments throughout the year, but I see now that I was simply going through the motions of life at whatever stage I was in as opposed to actually living my life. I don’t remember much of 2019 because I just flat out wasn’t present for it. I showed up, but I was not invested. Writing that pains me to my core.
Sitting with this epiphany overnight has brought a lot of clarity as to why I’ve been feeling the way I have. I’ve kept everything, and everyone (including my kids), at an arms length. I’ve been protecting myself from a lot of things, which I was right to do, but I never let the line blur, or the wall down, during moments I absolutely should have found joyful. Instead I was annoyed and flustered. That is not how I expected to remember this year, nor do I want to experience another year with such disdain and numbness.
Many times throughout the year I remember proclaiming to those around me, “I’m doing the best I can!”; but that was a lie. I did not do my best, not even close. I did the bare minimum to get by, because doing anything more would exhaust me mentally and sometimes physically. As I write this, it’s becoming clear that I’ve lived most of 2019 under a cloud of depression. Who knew?
So what does 2020 look like for me? Well, I can tell you what it doesn’t look like: it doesn’t look perfect, or grand. It doesn’t look exceptional or exciting. It won’t be full of grace either, because that phrase has been a crutch for me—a lie to myself when I needed an excuse for not doing better. So that’s exactly my plan for 2020: just do better. I have lots of room for better, and by not attaching some extreme proclamation to it maybe, just maybe, I will actually be able to accomplish it.
So to all of you who are coming into 2020 ready to hustle, and slay your big + wondrous goals: I am here, cheering you on from the sidelines. To those of you who are looking to slow down and find more balance, I see you and commend you. As for me, I will be committing to living a little bit more, being a lot more present, and just trying to be better than I was before. The only way to go is up!