I’ve sat here coming back to this post, over and over again, trying to decide how to start this. How do I come at this with the right tone I’m trying portray with my words–especially on such a delicate topic. Delicate for me as, although I’m very adamant of my choice, still have mixed feelings about. No one likes to be a hypocrite but the possibility is always there, I suppose. But we made it. Our last baby has turned one.
Our boy, sweet Dylan, has been the most lovable of the bunch, but also the most high-maintenance and demanding. Through sleepless nights and inconsolable days, to make it to this point in his life is true blessing. The last 2 years, between his pregnancy and first year of his life, have been the most challenging on my mind and body…something I could have never imagined. Making it through this first year of his life is not only a celebration of him and his day of birth, but also for ME. For my Husband. For our family of 5, who have had a whirlwind of changes thrown at them every year since each of them were born! I am proud and I am humbled.
But facing this year, now in the past, is also bittersweet. Dylan was our last. This was the last 1st birthday we will celebrate of one of our own children. My body won’t be pregnant again. In fact, this last year has been the longest I’ve gone without being pregnant since 2013 when I got married! But we are in full agreement: we are done having kids. The last 5 years of being pregnant 4 times, and growing 3 beautiful children, have been long and hard. We have acknowledged during the joyous moments of those years, that they would have been even more joyous if we could fully engage without having to continuously tend to an infant. Our kids love their siblings, and they’ve asked us for more (the answer is NO!), but we want to fully enjoy our kids while being more present, and begin building more family memories together. We are ready to stop and breathe in the moments with our sweet family we have been so blessed to create.
I also have found it incredibly imperative for my whole being, as a person outside of being a wife and mother, that I must be realistic about not only what I can handle but what I want to handle. I am absolutely positive that I could manage through another pregnancy and raise another child but, quite simply, I don’t want to. I am ready to move on to another part of my life and reconnect with an identity that has been put on hold. I’ve come at this from so many ways and “selfish” always comes to the forefront, but really…that’s not the case at all. I know my limits and what I’m capable of, and what helps me be the best mom and wife. For me, that’s having another focus outside of our familial unit that I can pour myself into. I cannot focus on any other element of life if I’m constantly giving life to others. I have to be able to give life to myself as well. The whole “you can’t pour from an empty cup” thing.
So, thats it! Happy 1st birthday to our littlest babe. Happy last 1st birthday to us, and here’s to new family adventures with this tribe of 5!