Wow. It’s been a minute, hasn’t it? I honestly thought it had been longer, but, looking back, no one could have anticipated what 2020 was going to bring us. I think we can all agree that expectations from last year were the bare minimum, and just showing up for yourself and your family was good enough. Anything more was extra credit, and I did not earn myself any extra credit this past year. And guess what? I’m totally ok with that. I don’t feel the need to dwell on any part of 2020 (I’m tired of fighting and being angry), so I’ll do my best not to vent about its shortcomings now or in the future.
But here we are, now in 2021, and there is so much that has changed. Mostly, I’ve changed; and I don’t miss who I was and the rut I had been stuck in for the past few years. The challenges of 2020 shined light on areas of my life that were in serious need of evaluation. I was forced to identify the non-negotiables in my life, what/where I would allow room for compromise, and dig deep into what truly makes me happy. I learned who I would make space for in my life (friends and family) and focused on me more than I ever have. It initially felt so selfish, but ultimately has been the best thing I’ve ever done. I fully believe that’s why I’m back here now taking a moment to write again. Truth be told, as I’m sure the length between posts has made it abundantly clear, I haven’t felt like writing in quite some time. But focusing inward, and making space in my life for what I feel are now the right things, has given me a new perspective.
The disconnect from writing has felt so strange, so when I felt called to write this evening I stopped everything, pushed my to-do list aside, and just sat with my words for a while. I never used to have an issue creating a post, as sharing my life has always been so natural; but with little to no inspiration behind my words for so long, it hasn’t come quite as easy this go’round. Nevertheless, I want to come back to this space I created for myself, because while I am definitely different so are things. Life/people/the general ebb & flow of what one encounters….it’s all so clunky these days. So much so, that I want to step away from the traditional avenues we’ve been conditioned to connect, i.e. social media (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Snapchat (ew), etc.) and share more here.
Before social media was all the rage, there were these sweet little things called blogs. Sure, they still exist (mostly food related blogs, in my experience at least), but everyone is in such a hurry these days that taking the time to read a blog post is no longer a priority, much less enjoyable. While they may not offer instant gratification like stories do, blogs have always been a great place to share pieces of your life/passions without losing yourself to the expectations that others have set for you based on what you willfully choose to share. Isn’t it funny that when you go out of your way to share relatable content that you get criticized because it wasn’t done the way your audience has come to expect? Sadly, it seems to have become more difficult for people to remember that we’re human beings with feelings, and that we’re allowed to have a life that isn’t dictated by popular trends on TikTok/Reels/Stories, as well as have political beliefs that may not align with yours (oops. Too soon?). I don’t know about you, but I don’t need strangers on social media to dictate what i’m “supposed” to believe: God, science, politics, ghosts, aliens or otherwise. Just so we’re clear 🙃
So, without further ado, let’s dive in, shall we?
If you know me personally, or have followed my social media for sometime, you already know: baby makes 6. Yep, we had another baby. In March of 2021, our sweet Ashley was born. As i’m sure you can imagine, the whole baby #4 thing was a huge surprise. I went through every possible emotion you could imagine, finally settling into graciousness and feeling incredibly blessed. It was a difficult pregnancy due to moderate Gestational Diabetes (which I had to take insulin shots for) and my age, but thankfully the older kids were in school for most of it and work was mostly remote, making for some pretty peaceful days. Oddly enough, I hadn’t been able to enjoy a pregnancy like that since I was pregnant with my first. Even then, that pregnancy being one following a loss, there was never ending worry and stress. It’s probably safe to say this last pregnancy was the most enjoyable one yet despite the GD challenges.
If i’m being honest, most days it still doesn’t resonate with me that I’m a full-time working mom of four kids. FOUR kids. Currently they are ages: 6, 5, 4, and 4 months. 😳😳😳 I am beyond thankful that my work situation is one that allows me to mostly work remote, with the occasional day(s) in the office each week–which let’s be honest, that’s a glorious thing! Yay adult interaction–while still being able to support my kid’s needs when they get home from school/aftercare. It’s a lot, and something/someone is always suffering (at least a little) but I try to remind myself that it won’t be like this forever. All I know is that despite things suffering sometimes, I’m confident that this is working for us right now. It doesn’t always feel like that, but more often than not I feel content with where we are. And that’s a really good feeling. A feeling that I have been working very hard over the past few years to achieve. Contentment.
I mentioned that I’ve done a lot of inner work on myself, soul searching if you will. And while that is true, I wouldn’t be where I am today as a strong individual if it wasn’t for the support of my husband. It’s been interesting. When we decided that I would go back to work, I was not confident in our ability to juggle 3 young kids (let alone 4!) with the work schedules we had. Ultimately, I fully expected to make sacrifices with my work schedule to be available for sick kids, all the appointments, cooking, cleaning, etc. And now? I can’t believe I ever did any of those things without the kind of support I have today. We have built a true partnership over these last two years, and not only has it made our family thrive in so many ways, it has created a strong layer of respect and admiration towards one another that most people dream of. But let me be clear: we’ve worked our asses off to get here. Marriage is hard work with one kid or ten. I’m beyond thankful that we have continued to invest in each other and our family to build the life we have, and I wouldn’t change one single thing about how we got here.
Well friends, it sure has been nice to write again tonight, but I can assure you that this space will grow as I begin to share in ways that I haven’t in the past. I don’t know exactly what that will look like at this time, but I am looking forward to finding new ways to share things about our life that you’ll find useful, inspiring and/or motivating.